Thursday, June 02, 2005

The system is down. The system is down.

On the lighter side of things, more than a dozen slashings and stabbings at D.C.-area nightclubs prompted the City Paper to run the Nightlife Survival Guide. Not the joking guide of The Onion, this article offers serious advice for when someone draws a knife on you.

1.Skip the dodgy clubs. Go square dancing.
A foolproof tip, if one that will be totally ignored.
2. Scrap the macho routine. Play it cool.
"In hindsight, Rodekohr figures he shouldn't have pushed [his assailant] back." Because the pushee's response was to stab him.
3. Don't get too snockered.
I'm not sure if there is another reason to go to a club, except to grind on some knife-wielding maniac's girl.
4. Watch out for shady types who touch themselves.
Not there -- they mean to feel if their knife is still there.
5. Expect to get cut--even if you see it coming.
6. Don't go for the knife or try to pull some Jackie Chan shit.
Try to pull some Chris Tucker shit.
7. Fend off incoming strikes with your (outer) forearms.
"It'll be bad," Franco notes. "But you won't be incapacitated." No comment.
8. Suck in that gut and back that thang up.
ie, don't let your attacker get a good shot at your heart or your genitals.
9. Fight back with makeshift weapons.
aka run like shit.
10. Stop the bleeding. Put your feet up. Wait for help.
11. Get a lawyer.
To sue the club for bad security; don't worry about the lax policing and the insanity of getting stabbed in a dance club.

I don't think I'll be heading to Dream this weekend, but if I'm up for a wild stabbing for the 4th, I know where to go.


Anonymous Brandon said...

Have you been to the Pharmacy Bar yet? I dug that place-- good atmosphere, good jukebox. Very chill.

11:24 AM  
Blogger accidentalactivist said...

Not yet. I JUST got to Ben's Chili Bowl last night. Now that I've got two paychecks under my belt (so long, credit card!), I should be able to do some serious exploring.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Murph said...

One of my former housemates got into martial arts via the route of self-defense workshops, and was of the opinion that every human being is very capable of defending him or herself against a knifing, with a minimal amount of training. (Though it sounded as thouhg "defending against a knifing" starts something like "take the first strike with your outer forearm, then resist the urge to scream and grab at your arm, and instead . . .")

I will note that I have considered getting knifed (or box cuttered - I get bored on airplanes and ponder things like terrorist attacks...) and generally feel remarkably more comfortable with the idea when I'm in Biker Murph mode. Wearing leather makes one less nervous about one's forearms when thinking about being knifed.

3:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home